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Difficulty Bonding

When You Don't Fall Instantly in Love with Your Newborn
By Katherine Bontrager
Article from iParenting

The young mother leaned over her plate and said conspiratorially, "I wasn't one of those mothers who instantly fell in love with my daughter. It took a good couple of weeks before I felt connected to her. Did you feel that way?"

I was, admittedly, a little taken aback. Not so much by what this new mom was saying, but by the fact she was saying it to me – after all, we'd just met minutes before having been seated at the same table at a wedding reception. But her confession is one with which many new mothers struggle. Most assume that a bond with their newborn will be forged instantly, but it doesn't always happen that way. Why is it that some new moms don't bond right away? And how can they traverse this difficult emotional territory?

Difficulty bonding is more common than people think, says Dr. Sharon Fried Buchalter, a clinical psychologist, family and marriage therapist and author of New Parents Are People Too: 8 Secrets to Surviving Parenthood as Individuals and as a Couple (Greenleaf Book Group, 2007). "It may not be all wine and roses, as is sometimes portrayed on television," she says. "This difficulty bonding can cause the new mother to get anxious and feel like she's a bad mother, which can make the situation even worse."

"Bonding isn't instantaneous," says Dr. Laurie Zelinger, a child psychologist in Long Island, N.Y., and an adjunct clinical supervisor at Pace and St. John's Universities. "Like glue takes time to dry in order to hold things together, the parent/infant relationship takes time as well."

"It's often the case that new mothers who don't feel a bond within hours or days may simply be recovering from the birthing experience and acclimating themselves to motherhood," Dr. Buchalter says. "Usually once she takes the baby home and begins caring for it, the new mom begins to bond with the child. But there are instances, however, in which some women feel anger, resentment or apathy toward the new baby, which may not disappear instantly."

Dr. Penny B. Donnenfeld, a clinical psychologist in New York, N.Y., who has worked with parents and children for over 20 years, says that bonding difficulties can stem from a variety of factors. These include maternal physical and emotional health, temperament of the infant, mother's prior experience with infants, availability of a maternal support system, relationship between the new mother and father, expectations of what it will be like to bond with and care for the infant, breastfeeding difficulties or pain and upset after a C-section birth.

"Often bonding will be more apt to proceed once the factor is identified and the mother receives a new way of viewing what is occurring other than just feeling it's the sign of her 'failure' at mothering," Dr. Donnenfeld says. "Interventions can range from providing information to medicating a new mom with severe postpartum depression."

Postpartum depression and anxiety or even postpartum psychosis can be very serious, Dr. Buchalter says. "Any woman experiencing strong feelings, especially feelings in which she wants to harm herself or the baby, should seek professional help immediately," she says. "Symptoms to look for include frequent crying, feelings of guilt, overeating or having no appetite, feelings of hopelessness, irritability, restlessness, overwhelming feelings, feelings of sadness, headaches, anxiety and more. For women with postpartum depression, there are treatments available."

In these extreme cases, new moms are often horrified at their lack of affection for the infant. "This mother needs psychiatric care and treatment, as well as the help of other caretakers o step in and either temporarily take over or supplement the care for her infant," Dr. Donnenfeld says. "With her biological depression contained and ameliorated, this mother may need therapy and support to see herself as able to provide loving care to her baby – to realize that she's not either missed or 'messed up' her chance to form a strong and important bond with her baby."

These most extreme cases aside, Dr. Donnenfeld finds that the biggest barriers to mother-infant bonding have to do with unreal expectations. "For example, a new mother who's having problems with breastfeeding and being told by 'well-meaning' grandparents on both sides that she's failing to give the baby adequate nutrition may experience problems bonding with her infant," she says. "With help feeling more successful at feeding her child and less judged or found lacking, this mother's feelings about herself and her baby may be more geared toward attachment."

Another unreal expectation? The thought that once the baby comes home, blissful, peaceful family togetherness will take place. In reality, a new mom could be hit with the harsh reality of constant care on little sleep for a crying, puking, pooping infant with a misshapen skull, skin rashes and pimples.

"It's a rather different picture of infant 'perfection' than she's seen in the movies or in magazines," Dr. Donnenfeld says. "This mother may feel less negative if she is educated about short-term physical characteristics of infants after birth and given some respite so that she can sleep some in between feedings of the baby."

Still other moms who suffer from pain or extreme fatigue can't put the needs of anyone before their own, Dr. Zelinger says. In these cases, new moms need to ask for help in getting rest or managing their pain so that they can then settle into a bond with their infants.

"Some mothers who themselves haven't had strong bonds with their parents may not have the model, motivation or need to develop closeness," Dr. Zelinger says. It's integral that these new moms seek out strong parenting models so that they can learn to overcome those issues that interfere with their ability to form an attachment to the baby.

Dr. Zelinger says that the dependency of a newborn can panic a new mother, shake her confidence and cause her to look for others to supplement the parenting role. The restrictions a newborn places on a mom and the sudden change in her former lifestyle can also cause some resentment.

"Finally, infants, by definition, don't yet 'give back,' possibly making a new mom feel inadequate as she waits for smiles or behaviors to reinforce the continued attention she bestows upon the baby," Dr. Zelinger says.

These feelings are normal – and once they've been acknowledged, moms can seek ways of overcoming these troubles. Sharing doubts, fears and frustrations with other moms or professionals has an amazing way of lightening some of these burdens. There's nothing quite like knowing you're not alone, that what you're experiencing is normal. Finding an empathetic ear can be a lifesaver to a new mom. And those with experience can offer priceless suggestions on how to deal with these nagging worries.

"For mothers who don't feel an initial bond with their baby, they must not be too hard on themselves," Dr. Buchalter says. "They should remind themselves that it's not their fault; hormones play a huge role in this situation. Women should not feel embarrassed. Instead, they should seek help if their feelings don't improve. By seeking help and getting balanced and feeling better, the entire family will benefit. And all new moms should also remember to take time for themselves, as individuals. A happy mom is a good mom."

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